one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
