Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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