I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
