Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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