I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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