Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
