the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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