just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
