my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
