OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
