He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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