i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
