We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
