so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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