I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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