I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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