i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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