I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
