last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
