we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
