Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
