Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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