good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
