I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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