Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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