YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
