someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
