So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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