there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
