never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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