Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
