A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I touched a dick in church today
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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