i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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