The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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