put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
