i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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