so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
