drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
