your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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