i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
