Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
