the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
