I wish I could punch you in the face.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
