paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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