Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So many bounce houses so little time
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
