He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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