Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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