just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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