You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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