Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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